Things to know before you make an attempt at me.

I had known falling in love is one thing that doesn't come easy. And honestly, 'honesty' is all I had to give away.
Last summer, while I was at Nana's I made a list of things I'd tell the man who I happen to fall for. Last summer, I made a list of things I'd tell you.

One.
I had a troubled childhood and I happen to go back to the seven year old me and whine about not wanting to go to school afraid I'd have to come back to a house without mommy.

Two.
My brother has hit me enough times for me to have nightmares about the same and tremble under the perfectly knit designer sheets that only cover me half. If only there were a Richter scale to measure the tremble inside of my bones would you ever know what I'm talking about.

Three.
The first time I ever dated a guy, he was seven years elder to me. And I'd be lying if I said I only have a bleak memory of him since I was just 12, because it still haunts me each time. The bed. The screams. The blackouts. The fucks. The pain. By the time I was 13, I had already seen two men ruin my entire goddamed existence and that's where I framed my opinion about men.
One from the man who was supposed to be my epitome of love. Other from the man I almost thought I was in love with.
And yes, that's exactly where all my sexist comments come from.

Four.
I have a number of cuts on my skin. And a lot more under it, somewhere still etching themselves on all those nerve cells that were left that time.
And there's too much shivering from the winter inside of my frozen blood.
So each time you ask me why, the cuts or the shiver? I only tell you I just drank too much back then to remember about the cuts , and I dwell myself too much in smoke to recall about why I was shivering the other night.

Five.
Look, I'm used to loneliness. So, there will be a lot of times I'm going to get on one side of the bed and crumble under my blanket pressing my boobear tight against my chest not knowing that you are waiting on the other side.

Six.
I've dawned anxiety since I was in ninth class and it still has it's roots in my brains. So you see ,love. The mood swings are inevitable and you're never going to know when you might be the one to upset me for no reasons at all.
I never really got over this tiny issue of mine and it seems to love me like a mother who loves her child too dear to let her go off her arms.

Seven.
Making me meet your friends or family is a terrible idea , and you can trace the reason in the way I acted around you when I first met you.
I am all awkward around people and I will always be too much for them to take. You see, I say a lot of things I don't mean and a lot things people don't understand. I Live in the constant fear of being judged and I end up being judged for all that I do because I didn't want to be judged in the first place. You see, how I use one word too many times, do you?
And just so you know, worthless is my favorite.

Eight.
I had a drinking and smoking problem back in eighth grade. It lasted quite a while. I even did drugs back then, I'm a completely changed person now, but trust me nobody from high school will tell you the same. It took a lot to get rid of it. But they'll only tell you of the person you'd never want to hear about.
You'd know about the girl who went to clubs and sheesha bars not about the one whose ideal date would be on a couch back home and with cheese burst pizzas and some Elvis Presley on, while splurging on it.

Nine.
You see I saved all the good things for this. This is about you. And me. About the two of us.
You know how nine is my favorite number because 18 is my birth date and it adds up to it?
This one's for all the beauty there is in the freckles on your skin that house constellations in them, orion on the little left of your right cheek being my favorite? This is for the nebulas that float in the skies trapped inside your eyes. This is for the poor kid by the metro station you bought candy for.
This is for how I fell for you. 
This is only about honesty and for the promise of always being honest no matter what.
And this, my love is where I tell you that I didn't tell you all of my life story because I want your sympathy. I just want you to know me inside out before you make an attempt at me any further, and if the person I am in the least scares you, walk away. Right this second. We've not come too far.
This is for us, for what you choose to do of us.