Stars.

3
I still call you at 3 A.M while I lay under the blanket of stars. I call you, over and over again. I want you to see how beautiful the moon looks tonight.
The bell rings. Once. Twice. Thrice. No answers.
I hope you got an alibi for this by morning.

4
I'm slowly running out of whiskey to keep me going. The pack of cigarettes too is empty now. I wonder why the pack says *smokingKills* while I'm still alive after a million cigarettes already inside of me. I remember when I started smoking, hoping it would eventually kill me. Such a fool I've been. It did nothing. You killed me. You still kill me each day. And night.

4'15
I can't get over the fact that you're gone. I trusted you with my life and you just went away. Leaving me here with a hundred dead promises to haunt me each dawn. The blues are stuck in my heart and my chest looks like the sky where there's no moon just a dark cloth with pain gracefully sequined on the corners.

4'30
My terrace smells of broken whiskey bottles and heart of all the unkept words. Words which never became reality. Words that lost their meaning to time.

5
My heart feels too heavy to be held inside of me now. The chest is just too big a sky for me to keep inside of me. I need to let this out. I wish I could rip it out and show that how it bleeds black each night when I look at the stars.

5'30
I'll tell you a story. That star on far right there, see that? I named him after you. I remember you told me find me in the stars if I'm too far.
Why are you so far? My dilemma stands before me and asks me if you went or if someone took you away? I have still not found answers to it.
I talk to the star. Tonight. Like I have been talking to it since the day you went.
I'm facing a crisis now. Your commitments were all lies. And you've left my life crumbled like the first poetry I ever wrote and threw it away. You went.

5'45
I ask him over and over again.
Why did you leave me in this turmoil?
Why did you have to go without completing our forever?
Did you not miss me enough to come back?
Did you not love me enough to stay?
Are the gods so unfair?
Is that how life goes?
And I'm left with no whisky. None.
The bottle is empty. Like my bones. My organs. My insides. My heart. Hollow spaces that exist inside of me and swallow me each night. They never kill me. I wonder why?
That star doesn't answer. I don't get my answers. I throw the bottle at it. Frustrated with these silences between us. When did you get that far? Why did you get that far?
See you left me far far behind. Come back, please.
It's killing me.
It's ki................................. 



9.
I wake up to your voice note from December 25th when you told me our forever was real. That we'd fight against it all. And I weep.
I check my phone to find out how I've been calling you all night. I wonder why it's so hard to understand that the skies have you now. That you're there next to the moon watching me from afar. Tell me you're ashamed of what I've become. Tell me you don't like the human being I'm becoming. Tell me it's not right-what I do. Scold me. You won't right? I know. You can't. You're gone. You chose the easy way out and left for your heaven for the heaven here wasn't beauty enough for you.
I look for you in the pieces of poetry. I keep you breathing through these words. These words.
We still are forever, aren't we?

Bygones.

One.
I was the person who loved silences. Words ruined things for me.
Just staring at each other and let the breeze play her beautiful song. 
Losing ourselves to the melody of that waterfall by tree hill. Gazing at your perfection without blinking for once. 
Making love to you and hear the sounds of the liquids strike some different chords in both of us. Sitting in the coffee shop and sipping our cappuccinos without sharing words. 
Silences. They made me feel at ease.

Two.
But you weren't the silent types. You needed words.
To tell you how utterly beautiful your face looked when the sunlight fell on it. How the daisies must be jealous of you. You needed to be told your worth through syllables- not glances.
You needed sounds- the wild ones while making love. While I preferred silence.

Three.
Somewhere between the gaps between your fingers my silence must still be there. Lingering at the tips with a hundred graveyards of unspoken words. 
With a hundred failed attempts at letting them words flow from the mouth. 
But perhaps you just can't see it. See how my silence often said the most beautiful things one could've said.

Four.
I lay here and breathe. Just breathe. Gazing at the sky in amazement as if it were my mate who'd understand each of my silences like you never did. 
Sometimes I sit by the waterfall and talk to it like I would to you. Through silences. And it gets them all. I wonder why you never did. 
Why you never enjoyed the joy of unspoken words. The pleasure that there was in absolutely nothing.
But you materialised it. All of it. Us. You. Me.

Five.
So I know when you left me I wanted to weep and cry and scream.
I know you thought I didn't feel an inch of your words, but they ripped each of my cells. Every. Single. One.
But like a fool, I chose silence over words. Again. Over again. 
Thinking at the back of my head that just this time around, you'd understand my silences. That the sorrow dripping from my eyes would catch your sight and my you'll feel how my voids were swallowing me- bit by bit.

Six.
Without noticing the voids, the tears, the tearing sound of my skin shed, the melancholies of my soul, you left.

Six. 
I died a little inside. Still not uttering a word. Still wanting my silences to talk.

Six. 
Two years since I sit here with my tub of cookie crumb Ice cream. Eating. Weeping. Silently.

Six.
I know I was a fool. Should've said it. Shouldn't have let you go. Should've destroyed the beauty of my silences. Just for you.

Six.
I'm lost.

Lies.

Lies. That smell of bitter honesty. The ones I bleed when my heart aches. The ones stacked in one corner of the book shelf in 21-32 park Street, the apartment that still smells of you. Lies.
When I told you of the man I had given off my all to.
When I told you how my heart felt like this immortal piece of a broken star when he saw me, when I told you about the nerve endings doing their wacking and sending out a million impulses in that one moment when he leaned his chest against mine and planted that kiss on my lips.
How I told you he's a charmer. Perfection wrapped in my arms. How I told you about how that man feels like my definition of perfection, about how I had never known what love could've been, until I met him. Lies.
Truth, though. That I fell for you while I was seeing another man. The man I talked of all this while, wasn't him, it was you. That all my life I've been lying, to myself. To the world. To him. To you. To my life. To everyone I meet. All I tell them are. Lies.
That I want to run away from this world. There are too many rules to follow. That this version of reality sucks and I'd much rather spend my life building lego houses and seeing hermits build their houses.
That I'd love to be lost in the freckles of your skin, explore The map that your curves make. That I wish to forget myself and be all in you, lost somewhere between the gap of your fingers.
Truth. No more. Lies.
But I know my castle would fucking fall and reality would smash me in the face and tell me that hey! This man isn't yours. Go back. That man you promised a lifetime once is still waiting. And I'll have to go back to him, every now and then after heart wrenching sessions of heated up arguments about how I'm not the same woman he fell in love with.
Countless fights. Infinite patch ups. All lies. That I wish to fathom into the depths of your curves and caress every inch of your skin with my lips so that I'm eternal. Truth.
And I know this truth won't exist, can't exist. Lies.
Perhaps I'm just too weak to do all that. Perhaps it's true that true love is the one that can't be your reality. Perhaps We'd be together one day when the skies would fall and the stars would all make a passage for our hearts to come and unite.
Ah. Lies.